Apocryphal Text From Genesis

Found in a cave near Qumran in Israel, sealed in a metal can with a plastic lid:

God saith unto Adam “Thou shalt harvest the fruit of the coffee plant, and thou shalt dry that fruit, and thou shalt roast that fruit until it is a deep brown color. And thou shalt grind the roasted fruit into a fine power. Thou shalt place the grindings in water over a fire and boil them until the brew is dark and strong. This brew shall be called “coffee”, and behold it is very good. Behold, thou shalt be careful not to drink in the grindings at the bottom of the cup, lest ye choke. Thou mayest add to the coffee the milk of the cow, or the product of the sugar cane, according to thy taste. And behold, using the intellect which I hath given thee, thou shalt devise new and better methods for preparing coffee, causing hot water to drip or perk through the grindings, that thou mayest consume better coffee without the dregs at the bottom of the cup. Beware though, lest ye be led astray from the pure coffee I intend that thou consumest, and addest to thy coffee vile substances such as sugar substitutes or creamers not made of the milk of the cow.” And thus Adam drank coffee, and behold it was good. And Adam devised new methods for brewing coffee, the percolator, the drip maker, and the French press. And God smelled the aroma of brewing coffee in Heaven, a sweet scent beloved by the Lord, and God saw that it was good. In the fullness of time Adam devised a method for forcing steam, rather than hot water, through the grindings, causing a stronger and richer coffee to be made, Adam called this brew Espresso. And God looked upon Adam drinking his coffee, and behold it was very good.

Then the demon Nescafe didst whisper in Adam’s ear, saying “Behold, brewing coffee takes much time! Let us brew coffee in large quantities, and let us then dry the water from the coffee, leaving us with grindings that need only have hot water added. This we shall call “instant coffee”.” So Adam was led astray, and made instant coffee. Adam saw that the instant coffee lacked the flavor and richness of the fresh-brewed coffee, but Adam deemed this a small sacrifice to the convenience offered by Nescafe. And Adam was led astray, and fresh coffee was reserved for special occasions, and not partaken of daily as the Lord had commanded.

In the fullness of time Adam was visited by the demon Starbucks. And the demon saith unto Adam “Behold, a place where thou canst purchase burnt-tasting coffee for an excessive price, and behold, the cup is emblazoned with the name of the place, so that all whom thou meetest shall know that thou hast purchased expensive coffee, and thy esteem shall be great. And behold, for an additional price, thou mayest add small quantities of additional flavors to thy coffee. Thou mayest add flavorings like vanilla or mocha, thou mayest add espresso to thy coffee, thou mayest have thy coffee topped with foam or steamed milk.” And Adam was beguiled by Starbucks, and didst consume of the fruit of the coffee plant in a manner not intended by the Lord. And instead of saying “Large coffee, regular, no sugar”, a term pleasing to the Lord, Adam didst say “Vente Cappuccino, double-shot, mocha, foam, cinnamon”, a phrase vile to the Lord’s ears.

Then the demon Heathnut didst speak in Adam’s ear and sayeth “Behold, caffeine is not good for thee!” Beguiled by the demon Adam didst devise a way to extract the caffeine from the fruit of the coffee plant, along with most of the flavor. And Adam didst combine this knowledge with that of Nescafe and didst make Sanka, an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. And Adam didst order decaffeinated espresso from Starbucks.

Adam’s face was darkened, for behold, he lacked energy, and was unproductive in the morning, and was unproductive after lunch, and wouldst sleep when he ought to labor. Adam also was stricken with poverty because of the excessive prices of coffee provided by Starbucks. And Adam saith unto himself “Where hath my energy gone? Why am I unproductive? Why do I lack my former vigor? Why have I no money with which to take Eve to dinner?” And the Lord sent His Angel to Adam in a dream, and showed him how he used to drink brewed coffee in the morning, and in the afternoon. And the Angel reminded Adam of the flavor and smell of the brewed coffee. And Adam repented and ceased drinking of the beverages that are vile to the Lord. And Adam found his old percolator in the back of the cupboard, and didst wash the dust from it, and Adam didst harvest the fruit of the coffee plant, and roast it, and grind it, and brew it with fresh water and drink it. And Adam was happy, and the Lord smiled upon him.

Then the Lord saith unto Adam “Behold, thou hast learned thy lesson, now bear that lesson in mind while I teach thee to make beer, dark and full of flavor.”